Thursday, June 5, 2014

Every Time, I Was Never the Same Again

I am just throwing up some old instagram pics along with some rambles to get myself back into the blog routine.
I've been overhauling my eating and sleeping habits and it's left me with like 3 or 4 less waking hours every day.  I can't say how much that stinks for me.  It means I have to choose between reading and knitting most days.  It means I didn't finish the sweater I started for the TTTKAL (though I did finish a WIP I was already halfway through).  It means I haven't even touched my photos from Tennessee or the greatest Comic Con ever, and it also means I haven't watched season 2 of Derek yet.  This is cramping my night owl style.   BUT, I have gotten at least 8 hours a night for about a month.

I'll be honest, I'm not feeling a big difference yet, but who knows how much more stressed I'd be right now if I wasn't.  I am in a weird period of emotional stress due to family members' situations and there's really no fix for it except to cultivate the practice of doing the actual work that I can on their behalf and leaving their feelings in God's hands.  And I don't mean trite little words like: "Let Go and let God."  I mean seriously saying," I can't be responsible for this person's happiness.  It is wrong for everyone if I try to make this person happy in this particular way.  What should I be responsible for and how should I go about it?" 

With every crisis or embarrassment I've faced in the last couple of years, I've had a distinct feeling God was showing me what I can take with His help.  I'm not saying He made all those things happen.  Those bad times were all just things that happened or the outcome of someone's poor decisions.  But wether it was learning of a betrayal of sorts, or forgetting something very important that hurt someone's feelings, or realizing I'm just not seen for who I am by certain people, I'd think: Can I take this?
and I'd hear:  Yes, you can and once you learn how to weather this without freezing up on the inside, you'll never be the same.
It was true.  Every time, I was never the same again.


I'm becoming a master of walking thru common, everyday flames.   I haven't endured some of life's worst losses, but I am enduring loss, without denying it or hiding from it.  When I was a girl I had no idea how often adults refuse to acknowledge disappointment; just pretend it never happened.  (Have you ever thought about what that word means?  Being removed from a thing you were appointed to, or the thing you think you were appointed to.) We normally self-medicate and plow onward.  I'm just not someone who can do that.  So, as I'm facing junk and finding I don't crumple as easily.  I am also getting better at accepting things without being a super grouch.  I think I even see a day where someone I love can say words to hurt me, just because they're feeling bad, and it won't even ruin my morning.  I think.


So, I don't really know how going to bed by ten will help with all of this, but I'm trying to be obedient to God with my health.  I mean, this is where my life is right now- navigating lots of responsibility- so I'm doing my part to keep myself going.  Of course, writing here is a small part of that, so I thank you for listening.

(There's instagram, and there's flickr- two more things I can't do because I go to bed early.)

9 comments:

  1. All of these are incredible things. I think one of the things of being a human that can be the hardest is just being.

    Sometimes you hear the things you need to hear. I've come down with a terrible summer cold this week and I know that it's just one more way of my body trying to make me listen. Thanks for putting this all down. It's funny how it all works out like that.

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  2. Sending you good vibes. I struggle with what sounds like very similar feelings, and I admire your strength. Some day I hope to be the same!

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  3. It's true. Just being still and considering where you're at in life is so hard, even harder I think in recent years as our many forms of distraction seem to explode in number.
    I hope you're feeling better, Lilith! Summer colds usually mean you're rundown, right? I hope you can use your recovery time to rest and figure out if something's weakening you or what would help you get back to normal. My own health issues have to do with fighting chronic fatigue/ autoimmune stuff. So everything I try to get better takes a long time to show if it's working. But sleep and cutting out foods I know are bad for my system has helped tremendously. My big thing now is trying to include super nutrient dense food in my diet. Some of it just isn't my thing. I hope the summer ends with your feeling better than ever!

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  4. Well, I don't know how strong I am. I reread this and I think I made it sound like I have it all figured out. I so do not. I was giving myself a pep talk to refer back to, I think. I know what to do, how to frame these challenges in my mind, but they hurt my feelings and make me feel sick just the same. But I'm not freezing up inside or out. That's one thing this time of intense struggle has helped me do.
    I should probably change the phrase " master of walking thru everyday flames" to " accustomed to walking thru..." because my attitude is not that of a master. But I keep at it, keep trying to do what I think is best for everyone and letting stuff roll off my back.
    Really, I think anyone who wants to love and care for themselves and relatives (and I'm not just talking about elderly family) thru a time of intense stress can rise to the task, with God's help. I'm convinced it's the only way, but its SUCH a refining fire- revealing everyone's most basic self and the weaknesses of our family dynamics. Whew! Thanks for the encouragement, Teresa! I have no doubt you are strong enough to tackle any emotional/family situation and I wish you all the good that comes from trying to be what you were made to be.

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  5. Sleep is a very important part in the healing process, especially if you're under stress. I'm also trying to sleep enough if I can but anguish gets in the way sometimes. I am terribly sorry that you have to deal with that nowadays, but things will pass and you'll become stronger.

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  6. Every time I think I'm alone in how I'm feeling at a particular time, I come here and BOOM! You put into words what I can't always express out loud and I thank you for it.
    I thank you that your sharing has blessed me today and I pray for us all. That we continue to find strength in obedience to God, even when it hurts, even when we feel like we're going to break, even when we really don't want to, even when we don't understand.

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  7. Thank you, Elena! I do believe today's hardships will either pass or I'll learn to take them in stride and not be stressed by them. I'm also working out my food sensitivities, which I'm sure you can relate to, and that's helping alleviate some of the stress on my body. There are so many of us trying to handle the stresses of life with ill-prepared bodies. But once we get our health back, we'll be in much better positions to deal with the ups and downs.

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  8. Oh, Nicky, I'm so glad these thoughts can reaffirm something good in your life. It feels good to just write them, but to know someone else is going thru it too, and to hear from you means a lot to me. Thank you for your prayer!
    I don't often hear people acknowledge their suffering while still standing firm in what they believe. But then, I don't talk to many people outside my family right now, except online. So knowing this resonates with you encourages me too.
    Beyond just hanging in there and proving we can keep our faith thru hard times, I know there are new aspects of our God to learn about. I want to gain understanding with each of these battles. If I'm going to walk thru a kind of battlefield, I want to come out of it with the kind of bond soldiers and commanders form as they work together under stress. I want an incredibly strong bond with my God that no one else can fully understand because it's between He and I. I pray you'll have this too.

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  9. "Beyond just hanging in there and proving we can keep our faith thru hard
    times, I know there are new aspects of our God to learn about. I want
    to gain understanding with each of these battles. If I'm going to walk
    thru a kind of battlefield, I want to come out of it with the kind of
    bond soldiers and commanders form as they work together under stress. I
    want an incredibly strong bond with my God that no one else can fully
    understand because it's between He and I. I pray you'll have this too."


    THIS!!! ^^^^^ Amen, Amen!!!

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