I've been overhauling my eating and sleeping habits and it's left me with like 3 or 4 less waking hours every day. I can't say how much that stinks for me. It means I have to choose between reading and knitting most days. It means I didn't finish the sweater I started for the TTTKAL (though I did finish a WIP I was already halfway through). It means I haven't even touched my photos from Tennessee or the greatest Comic Con ever, and it also means I haven't watched season 2 of Derek yet. This is cramping my night owl style. BUT, I have gotten at least 8 hours a night for about a month.
I'll be honest, I'm not feeling a big difference yet, but who knows how much more stressed I'd be right now if I wasn't. I am in a weird period of emotional stress due to family members' situations and there's really no fix for it except to cultivate the practice of doing the actual work that I can on their behalf and leaving their feelings in God's hands. And I don't mean trite little words like: "Let Go and let God." I mean seriously saying," I can't be responsible for this person's happiness. It is wrong for everyone if I try to make this person happy in this particular way. What should I be responsible for and how should I go about it?"
With every crisis or embarrassment I've faced in the last couple of years, I've had a distinct feeling God was showing me what I can take with His help. I'm not saying He made all those things happen. Those bad times were all just things that happened or the outcome of someone's poor decisions. But wether it was learning of a betrayal of sorts, or forgetting something very important that hurt someone's feelings, or realizing I'm just not seen for who I am by certain people, I'd think: Can I take this?
and I'd hear: Yes, you can and once you learn how to weather this without freezing up on the inside, you'll never be the same.
It was true. Every time, I was never the same again.
I'm becoming a master of walking thru common, everyday flames. I haven't endured some of life's worst losses, but I am enduring loss, without denying it or hiding from it. When I was a girl I had no idea how often adults refuse to acknowledge disappointment; just pretend it never happened. (Have you ever thought about what that word means? Being removed from a thing you were appointed to, or the thing you think you were appointed to.) We normally self-medicate and plow onward. I'm just not someone who can do that. So, as I'm facing junk and finding I don't crumple as easily. I am also getting better at accepting things without being a super grouch. I think I even see a day where someone I love can say words to hurt me, just because they're feeling bad, and it won't even ruin my morning. I think.
So, I don't really know how going to bed by ten will help with all of this, but I'm trying to be obedient to God with my health. I mean, this is where my life is right now- navigating lots of responsibility- so I'm doing my part to keep myself going. Of course, writing here is a small part of that, so I thank you for listening.